I am officially the worst prego ever.
Been having headaches off and on for two weeks or so, and finally called the dr, because yesterday it was unrelenting, my heart kept racing periodically and it was making me lightheaded. The nurse practitioners suggestion? I am not eating enough. Especially protein. WHAT. First time in my life I've been told that, that's for GD sure.
Anyhow,I came home after work, and my amazing niece took care of B after we ate dinner so I could rest, since Jamie had a date, and Richie worked late. Woke up, felt pretty good, and went to work this morning.
I went to Raley's before work, to stock up on protein filled snacks (mainly nuts, and a little thing of PB to dip my fruit in since that's my main snack lately), and by the time I left I felt like I couldn't breathe and was getting panicky. It didn't change any, even though I sat at my desk, drank my water, and after getting fuzzy headed, went to sit on the bathroom floor to do some deep breathing to try and calm myself down.
I finally decided to leave, since the NP wanted me to take the rest of the day off yesterday and I didn't, because my day was almost done. My sister took me home, because I didn't want to drive (I was loopy and dizzy still), and as soon as we got into the hallway, I burst into tears. Go me. She had to coach me into breathing the whole way home so I didn't go into full hysterical mania.
I kind of think I am having mini panic attacks or something. I am not dehydrated, and my blood pressure is fine. Baby is ok...yesterday they couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler, so they did a quick US and we saw the heartbeat that way. I was so tweaked out at that point, that when I looked up and saw a very still baby curled into a ball, I didn't believe that she saw the heartbeat until she picked up the sound and let me listen via the us machine. I was convinced the baby wasn't alive and almost cried right there when I couldn't see the little flutter she pointed at. I am going insane.
I am increasingly anxious about not knowing the sex. I want to get to the point where I can feel movement and be the kick count nazi, like I was with Bellamy. (well, they way they instructed me to be at Dr Cantrell's office, really) but that's comforting to me. I know that if I don't count the movements they tell me to, that they'll send me straight to the hospital to get double checked.
I like having nurses that support me, and don't patronize me like the hospital staff does...they recognize that bad things happen in my pregnancies, and help me cope with out making me feel nuts. Granted, once I get to the hospital to get checked I have to deal with the new grad nurses who are trained to treat every pregnant woman as if she's overreacting, but for the most part they shut the fuck up when I tell them I've had a full term fetal demise and I've been sent by my drs. MOST of them. Some of them still tut tut like they know better, but I don't care. As long as they find the heartbeat/do an US/ etc and I know all is well in the danger zone (that would be my uterus) it's worth it.
There's also the fact that Connor's 5th birthday is fast approaching. Usually at this point I'm plagued by restless sleep, nightmares, and uncontrollable crying jags. I think maybe all those emotions are being transferred to worrying about the newbie. I don't want to project the negativity on the new baby, and I am trying hard not to, at least when I am conscious. My dreams and subconsciousness have a mind of their own.
It basically comes down to the fact that I want a boy, but I don't want to be pregnant with a boy. If it's a girl, the rest of my pregnancy will be marked by a decrease in the crazy. But then...if it's a girl...I will be crushed that we'll never have another boy, to do all the stuff with we never got to do with Connor. Richie needs a little jedi.
In other news, Bellamy is still an entertaining little rock star as usual. She told Richie the other day she has a boyfriend named Jackson Cole (a pretty kick ass name she made up herself.) and has been holding some intense My Little Pony races in the living room. There's even an assigned Dr Pony who puts band aids on the ponies that get hurt when they fall during their laps.
It's hard to remember life before her, and I am ok with it. She's a glorious little widget. She's my little cosmic gift, I've decided. After struggling with my first two disastrous pregnancies and the depression that followed them, I think the universe recognized we needed a break and I gave birth to a ridiculously radiant little ray of sunshine. Who is at this moment shoving connect 4 pieces in between my boobs for safekeeping.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Pregnancy Post 28
The urge to nap after I eat lunch everyday is making me physically ILL.
It is so oppressive. I really have to work to stay awake at my desk, I fidget, I walk around the office, and still my eyes will barely stay open. Then I get irritated, then I get nauseous, and then my head starts to hurt.
I am still not entirely caught up on sleep from all the company and parties, but I am getting there. Today I was so frazzled and feeling so shitty, I came home, got naked, crawled into bed, and haven't done much since.
(I am so very very pregnant, that when I picked Juliane up from performing arts camp, they were doing improv dancing to Coldplay's Fix You, and I started singing along with it. Then I started crying, and had to stop singing.)
Thankfully, Richie and Jamie know when I am on the verge of a PG meltdown, and take care of me when I am past the point of functioning. Yesterday Jamie drove across town to pick up B so I didn't have to, and today my parents brought her home. Juliane brought me my dinner in bed, Jamie brought me drinks, and Rico chatted with me while he put away the laundry before I could. Him and Belly sat in bed with me before it was time to lay her down, and we chatted and played for quite a while. She told me all about the SCHLIMY WORMS she saw, and how they are like tentacles. I gd love that kid.
Yesterday they came to work to bring my prego bathing suit to Erin, and Bellamy whipped out her ariel phone and had a serious conversation with Patrick about how we have blueberries delivered to our house from Los Angeles. I just want to hug her creative little brain and I tell it to never lose her sense of whimsy.
I am getting seriously excited about the Reveal Party. We are going to meet up with Susanne soon to talk specifics, and I can't WAIT. Also, tomorrow we are making headbands with Tom and Amanda, and hopefully watching them perform Saturday downtown. I haven't seen one of their fire shows yet and I am pumped.
At some point this weekend, I also need to hunt down the Baby Bump Boutique. They did a groupon this week, and you know I am all over it. Even my stretchy shirts are a wee bit too short to cover the belly, so I need to speed it up and get some maternity clothes that will last the rest of this pregnancy.
So much for my weekend of doing nothing.
It is so oppressive. I really have to work to stay awake at my desk, I fidget, I walk around the office, and still my eyes will barely stay open. Then I get irritated, then I get nauseous, and then my head starts to hurt.
I am still not entirely caught up on sleep from all the company and parties, but I am getting there. Today I was so frazzled and feeling so shitty, I came home, got naked, crawled into bed, and haven't done much since.
(I am so very very pregnant, that when I picked Juliane up from performing arts camp, they were doing improv dancing to Coldplay's Fix You, and I started singing along with it. Then I started crying, and had to stop singing.)
Thankfully, Richie and Jamie know when I am on the verge of a PG meltdown, and take care of me when I am past the point of functioning. Yesterday Jamie drove across town to pick up B so I didn't have to, and today my parents brought her home. Juliane brought me my dinner in bed, Jamie brought me drinks, and Rico chatted with me while he put away the laundry before I could. Him and Belly sat in bed with me before it was time to lay her down, and we chatted and played for quite a while. She told me all about the SCHLIMY WORMS she saw, and how they are like tentacles. I gd love that kid.
Yesterday they came to work to bring my prego bathing suit to Erin, and Bellamy whipped out her ariel phone and had a serious conversation with Patrick about how we have blueberries delivered to our house from Los Angeles. I just want to hug her creative little brain and I tell it to never lose her sense of whimsy.
I am getting seriously excited about the Reveal Party. We are going to meet up with Susanne soon to talk specifics, and I can't WAIT. Also, tomorrow we are making headbands with Tom and Amanda, and hopefully watching them perform Saturday downtown. I haven't seen one of their fire shows yet and I am pumped.
At some point this weekend, I also need to hunt down the Baby Bump Boutique. They did a groupon this week, and you know I am all over it. Even my stretchy shirts are a wee bit too short to cover the belly, so I need to speed it up and get some maternity clothes that will last the rest of this pregnancy.
So much for my weekend of doing nothing.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Pregnancy Post 27
Tried a new restaurant tonight for date night, and it was pretty delicious. Hash House A Go Go is officially ok by me. (Plus, I got some sweet loving BEFORE we went to dinner, so does it count as a date with a Happy Ending, or would it be more like a Happy Beginning?)
My GD cat is testing me. Last night, I was trying to relax and watch True Blood while doing my clay mask and painting my toes...and the peppy little spit fuck decided to escape, coincidentally at the same time I got a very snarly text from a friend who was angry with me. It was not the way I wanted my weekend to end. But we got the cat in and I think things will be ok with the angry friend, so we'll see. Tonight she is hanging out by the doors, scamming for another way to escape. She actually rumbled with the ginormous fight club kitties that live in the bushes, and lived to tell the tale, so I am fairly impressed. But then she hid under the deck and erased all feelings of pride as we tried to mastermind a way to get her back inside.
I have a feeling the beanpod might be a boy. But I don't know if that's an actual premonition, or just me coming to terms with the fact that this is our last baby, and I know we'd both like a son even if the pregnancy will be evil clown army terrifying for me the rest of the time. I know there's a 50/50 shot that it's possible, and I don't want my first reaction to be tears and panic. Especially since we are planning a whole gender reveal party so we can find out with our family surrounding us. I need to keep my shit together, and remember that constant vigilance got Bellamy here safe. I am surrounded by the same great group of Dr's and nurses as before, and I can do this.
I can.
My GD cat is testing me. Last night, I was trying to relax and watch True Blood while doing my clay mask and painting my toes...and the peppy little spit fuck decided to escape, coincidentally at the same time I got a very snarly text from a friend who was angry with me. It was not the way I wanted my weekend to end. But we got the cat in and I think things will be ok with the angry friend, so we'll see. Tonight she is hanging out by the doors, scamming for another way to escape. She actually rumbled with the ginormous fight club kitties that live in the bushes, and lived to tell the tale, so I am fairly impressed. But then she hid under the deck and erased all feelings of pride as we tried to mastermind a way to get her back inside.
I have a feeling the beanpod might be a boy. But I don't know if that's an actual premonition, or just me coming to terms with the fact that this is our last baby, and I know we'd both like a son even if the pregnancy will be evil clown army terrifying for me the rest of the time. I know there's a 50/50 shot that it's possible, and I don't want my first reaction to be tears and panic. Especially since we are planning a whole gender reveal party so we can find out with our family surrounding us. I need to keep my shit together, and remember that constant vigilance got Bellamy here safe. I am surrounded by the same great group of Dr's and nurses as before, and I can do this.
I can.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Pregnancy Post 26
Ridikkulus!
Didn't know it was possible to accomplish so much and at the same time have fun in one day.
Started off by giving Bella's room, the play room, and the toybox an organizational exorcism which felt MARVELOUS. The play room was vaccumed and everything. I put all the toys in their rightful place, and purged a bit as well, since B's birthday cup runneth over, thanks to her family and friends that love her.
By the time I emerged from my terminator cleaning spree, my sister was in full party prep mode for Jules' 11th birthday party tonight (Harry Potter themed, of course.) Her and Susanne made a bevy of amazing dishes, and yes, I'll say it, it was downright MAGICAL.
Then I had to piece together a costume for our movie date tomorrow (the capstone of this shindig - taking all the kids to see the final installment, along with a ton of Jamie's friends.) But first I had to choose a character, and I think I picked a good one. I am going full throttle with this, because why not? I am hoping I can at least con Richie into letting me draw the scar on his head so he can be the man himself. We'll see how that goes.
He is out a party right now, and he was rocking some serious mangina before he left. It was cute. He's been working out like crazy, along with running, and he's pretty much solid as a rock. He's got his V back, his arms are huge, and his legs are solid muscle. ZEXY.
I've realized recently that I really enjoy the flow of our relationship. We are both involved with the kids, but we both have lives as well. He's allowed to have man time, and I can do what I like with my girlfriends as well. It's pretty balanced, and for some reason I've just noticed. He's taken trips to see his BF in Cali, I've taken trips to LA to do glee/spike awards/etc, and we still take trips together. It's nice. We go out with our friends, and with each other. It doesn't feel like a tug of war, which I guess I always expected after listening to other people's marital (horror) stories. On the same note, we both contribute to this marriage, and we can acknowledge it.
We decided to do our date mid week just to mix it up a bit, to allow the excitement to build and all that jazz. Plus he worked this weekend, and there is the HP extravaganza that we didn't want to compromise. I just want to wait it out and give it a sense of OCCASION. Plus I need to figure out what to wear, because bump or no bump, I want a date with a happy ending.
With July half over, it's hard not to think of all the excitement going down in August...finding out the sex...school starting....then going full throttle with baby planning and arrival preparations. It's going to be bananas. It's tempting to be overwhelmed, but eh, I don't want to waste the energy. I used to make lists all the time, for anything. Things I needed to do that week, life goals, shopping lists. Now I really just do shopping lists, because who can remember all the crap you need when you do a big shop? As for the rest of it...I finally realized I could make lists until the sun set and rose again, and it didn't really matter if I wasn't in the mood to DO it. I have a plan in my brain (take last math class, have baby, try to do edu class with insanse observation hours while on maternity leave, then return to work and map out my UNR courses. ) and I think that's good for right now. Because even if it doesn't work out exactly like that, at least I'll still be doing something.
I'll save the stress for when the wee bit wakes up for feedings twice a night and we both have to work early in the morning. :)
Didn't know it was possible to accomplish so much and at the same time have fun in one day.
Started off by giving Bella's room, the play room, and the toybox an organizational exorcism which felt MARVELOUS. The play room was vaccumed and everything. I put all the toys in their rightful place, and purged a bit as well, since B's birthday cup runneth over, thanks to her family and friends that love her.
By the time I emerged from my terminator cleaning spree, my sister was in full party prep mode for Jules' 11th birthday party tonight (Harry Potter themed, of course.) Her and Susanne made a bevy of amazing dishes, and yes, I'll say it, it was downright MAGICAL.
Then I had to piece together a costume for our movie date tomorrow (the capstone of this shindig - taking all the kids to see the final installment, along with a ton of Jamie's friends.) But first I had to choose a character, and I think I picked a good one. I am going full throttle with this, because why not? I am hoping I can at least con Richie into letting me draw the scar on his head so he can be the man himself. We'll see how that goes.
He is out a party right now, and he was rocking some serious mangina before he left. It was cute. He's been working out like crazy, along with running, and he's pretty much solid as a rock. He's got his V back, his arms are huge, and his legs are solid muscle. ZEXY.
I've realized recently that I really enjoy the flow of our relationship. We are both involved with the kids, but we both have lives as well. He's allowed to have man time, and I can do what I like with my girlfriends as well. It's pretty balanced, and for some reason I've just noticed. He's taken trips to see his BF in Cali, I've taken trips to LA to do glee/spike awards/etc, and we still take trips together. It's nice. We go out with our friends, and with each other. It doesn't feel like a tug of war, which I guess I always expected after listening to other people's marital (horror) stories. On the same note, we both contribute to this marriage, and we can acknowledge it.
We decided to do our date mid week just to mix it up a bit, to allow the excitement to build and all that jazz. Plus he worked this weekend, and there is the HP extravaganza that we didn't want to compromise. I just want to wait it out and give it a sense of OCCASION. Plus I need to figure out what to wear, because bump or no bump, I want a date with a happy ending.
With July half over, it's hard not to think of all the excitement going down in August...finding out the sex...school starting....then going full throttle with baby planning and arrival preparations. It's going to be bananas. It's tempting to be overwhelmed, but eh, I don't want to waste the energy. I used to make lists all the time, for anything. Things I needed to do that week, life goals, shopping lists. Now I really just do shopping lists, because who can remember all the crap you need when you do a big shop? As for the rest of it...I finally realized I could make lists until the sun set and rose again, and it didn't really matter if I wasn't in the mood to DO it. I have a plan in my brain (take last math class, have baby, try to do edu class with insanse observation hours while on maternity leave, then return to work and map out my UNR courses. ) and I think that's good for right now. Because even if it doesn't work out exactly like that, at least I'll still be doing something.
I'll save the stress for when the wee bit wakes up for feedings twice a night and we both have to work early in the morning. :)
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Pregnancy Post 25
Good day. Dinner with the grandparents one last time before they head home to California. Love them.
Ravaged my husband last night animal style, and instead of falling asleep I was wide awake and read an entire blog. Think I might even start round two tonight (DING!) but hopefully sleep afterwards. Tomorrow is going to be a long, boring Friday.
Ridiculously cute, ravished husband called me at work to formally invite me on a date this weekend. So adorable.
One more birthday party this weekend, then I am returning to my regularly scheduled summer activities....which includes alot of bathing suits, sunshine, and reading. ahhhh.....
Ravaged my husband last night animal style, and instead of falling asleep I was wide awake and read an entire blog. Think I might even start round two tonight (DING!) but hopefully sleep afterwards. Tomorrow is going to be a long, boring Friday.
Ridiculously cute, ravished husband called me at work to formally invite me on a date this weekend. So adorable.
One more birthday party this weekend, then I am returning to my regularly scheduled summer activities....which includes alot of bathing suits, sunshine, and reading. ahhhh.....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Pregnancy Post 24
Bellamy is 3! It's been a very busy week, filled with family, friends, food, and even the police (what!?!) but all is well and I am happily exhausted.
Oddly enough, I read some prego email I got last week about the top twenty pregnancy fears most women have,which ranged from having a c section, to lagging sex lives, to gaining too much weight. Something about the list bothered me...and it struck me today while I was at work. There was no mention of stillbirth. A c section is scarier than giving birth to a seven pound corpse??
PLEASE. Not that I want to talk about it all the time and scare the shit out of preggos around the world, but I definitely feel as though it's something that is never ever mentioned ever, until it happens to you. Maybe if more attention was placed on kick counts, 30,000 fetuses wouldn't die in utero in the US every year and women wouldn't have to be asked questions like "do you want an autopsy?" and "are you going to bury or cremate?" as they are in the process of giving birth to the child in question.
Maybe if people were more open about it, awareness would increase, and more research could be done to try and find out how to stop it from happening. Just saying.
Other than that, I am eagerly awaiting my next ultrasound (August 15th!) to find out this little squirts gender. The suspense is torture! Mama wants to know what's goings on in there.
Oddly enough, I read some prego email I got last week about the top twenty pregnancy fears most women have,which ranged from having a c section, to lagging sex lives, to gaining too much weight. Something about the list bothered me...and it struck me today while I was at work. There was no mention of stillbirth. A c section is scarier than giving birth to a seven pound corpse??
PLEASE. Not that I want to talk about it all the time and scare the shit out of preggos around the world, but I definitely feel as though it's something that is never ever mentioned ever, until it happens to you. Maybe if more attention was placed on kick counts, 30,000 fetuses wouldn't die in utero in the US every year and women wouldn't have to be asked questions like "do you want an autopsy?" and "are you going to bury or cremate?" as they are in the process of giving birth to the child in question.
Maybe if people were more open about it, awareness would increase, and more research could be done to try and find out how to stop it from happening. Just saying.
Other than that, I am eagerly awaiting my next ultrasound (August 15th!) to find out this little squirts gender. The suspense is torture! Mama wants to know what's goings on in there.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Pregnancy Post 23
Company is a comin'. I am so excited. Nat and her girls are coming on Friday, along with her friend and her daughter. Then my mom will be here. It's going to be a glorious birthday weekend. Jamie's party is Saturday, and Punky B's party is Sunday. Richie's grandparents are also coming to town for B's birthday. (though not staying with us, because 7 guests is enough. That makes 13 of us - very cheaper by the dozen.)
Had a ridiculously relaxing long weekend, with lots of time outside in the backyard. At one point, Bellamy stood on the step of the deck, waved her arms dramatically, and said "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeelcome to my dance class!" She's got so much flair it's ridiculous. Tonight she was running around in just her tshirt, no panties or anything. Spread out on lambie's blanket, just chilling. She was very lovey with my belly tonight, saying hello to her future sibling, telling them how she can't wait to meet them, and just conversed with them.
Even as our family is getting ready to expand, I've been thinking alot of how lucky we are to have each other. We're a motley crue...sorta big...sorta crazy...and I love it. All the parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, and adoptive fam, like Nat. I love that B gets to spend so much time with Jules and little Danny, and I know the new babe will have more of the same. Plus Kimmie is due soon, so we'll get to go to California and meet the newest addition! Amazing.
So much of my life is up in the air depending on if Rich finds a new job, what the daycare situation will be like once newbie gets here in January, how I can work my magic with school and work and two kids... but it's hard to be stressed about it right now. Every time I make plans, something like an unexpected pregnancy happens and turns my world upside down anyhow...so not knowing is ok, for right now. It'll work out somehow.
Had a ridiculously relaxing long weekend, with lots of time outside in the backyard. At one point, Bellamy stood on the step of the deck, waved her arms dramatically, and said "weeeeeeeeeeeeeeelcome to my dance class!" She's got so much flair it's ridiculous. Tonight she was running around in just her tshirt, no panties or anything. Spread out on lambie's blanket, just chilling. She was very lovey with my belly tonight, saying hello to her future sibling, telling them how she can't wait to meet them, and just conversed with them.
Even as our family is getting ready to expand, I've been thinking alot of how lucky we are to have each other. We're a motley crue...sorta big...sorta crazy...and I love it. All the parents, grandparents, brothers, sisters, cousins, and adoptive fam, like Nat. I love that B gets to spend so much time with Jules and little Danny, and I know the new babe will have more of the same. Plus Kimmie is due soon, so we'll get to go to California and meet the newest addition! Amazing.
So much of my life is up in the air depending on if Rich finds a new job, what the daycare situation will be like once newbie gets here in January, how I can work my magic with school and work and two kids... but it's hard to be stressed about it right now. Every time I make plans, something like an unexpected pregnancy happens and turns my world upside down anyhow...so not knowing is ok, for right now. It'll work out somehow.
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